2013

So everyone knows about my Disney dreams, if you are on this blog I assume you know me and pretty much everyone that knows me know about Disney.  I've been trying to get to Florida for a while now and things just don't seem to fall into place. I just keep thinking, I'm missing something... there is something I have not surrendered to God yet some piece I have not turned over... Something I need to do here first, I think I found that something.....

2013 is fast approaching the the Fiscal Cliff is not the cliff I fear.....

Some Christmas thoughts...

I was driving to work today listening to the Kutless Album "This is Christmas", a beautiful album that really embodies the true meaning of Christmas and one I highly recommend,  when the song " Breath of Heaven" came on. For anyone who has not heard it I am including lyrics.

Breath of HeavenKutless

I have traveled many moonless nights

Cold and weary with a babe inside

And I wonder what I've done

Holy Father, You have come

And chosen me now to carry Your Son

I am waiting in a silent prayer

I am frightened by the load I bear

In a world as cold as stone

Must I walk this path alone?

Be with me now, be with me now

Breath of Heaven, hold me together

Be forever near me, breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness

Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy

Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder as you watch my face

If a wiser one should have had my place?

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of Your plan

Help me be strong, help me be, help me

Breath of Heaven, hold me together

Be forever near me, breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness

Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy

Breath of Heaven, hold me together

Be forever near me, breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness

Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy

Breath of Heaven, breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven

I was struck, no, overwhelmed with emotion. Think about it, Mary was a little girl, by most accounts 14 years old, when, at a full 9 mos pregnant, she traveled with Joseph to Bethlehem. She knew God was with her and she knew He would take care of her, she trusted him completely, yet I worry about money, about work, about the economy, and so many things. This little innocent girl carried the most important child ever to be born in her body on that bumpy miserable road; she was scared, probably in pain, and hungry, but she trusted God. While thinking about the incredible strength of this young girl, a second, even more overwhelming thought struck me. She would give birth to this wonderful, pure, beautiful, perfect, son of hers; she would kiss his face, shower him with her love and in 33 years she would watch him be tortured to death....

Why?? Why did this mother have this beautiful, perfect son only to watch him be tortured and killed? Some people say the Jews killed him, some the Romans. The truth is, we all killed him. You killed him and I killed him. He died for our sins not for his own for he committed none. He was tortured and killed because I have a sinful heart, because we are a sinful rebellious people. He died for every sin committed before his birth and every sin that would ever be committed by all future generations.

How can we as a society not fall on our faces in praise, in thankfulness, God loves us all so much he sent his own beloved son to die in our places.


16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16
New International Version (NIV)

It hurts my heart to hear the way people dismiss this fact; even Christian's are more concerned with tolerance and being politically correct than about this basic truth. I'd been looking for something, a sign, some small voice saying I didn't forget you and it struck me this morning, as tears rolled down my face, that God loves me so much more than I will ever deserve.

Junior Registration.... Still in Amarillo...

Welp we had Junior registration today so it's official. Another winter in Texas. Blah!

Don't get me wrong I don't hate Texas, I love it in fact... I just hate winter, hate being cold, . I'm so over this whole winter thing. I've never liked it NEVER. Why would I start now. Registering Tessa for her Junior year should have been so much fun, and while it was nice to see she likes the kids at school and nice to see she likes her teachers and really cool to find out her Sophomore year counselor moved up to Junior House, I had a tough time not being sad, feeling completely defeated. Summer is over. "When are you moving?" "This summer" Yea That summer, and guess what... still here.

Found this old entry I forgot to publish from August 8th. Woops

Cloudy with a side of bacon...

When Phil got sick, life got harder. He was so much fun at one time and people now.. including him don't get to enjoy that man I knew before the heart attacks. I miss him, we miss him. But I should go back farther...
Before we moved to NM before the Corporate Hog Farm before kids. I met this great guy whom I fell immediately for. How could I not he was sweet and shy and so talented it was crazy, oh and did I mention he was from LA ya that tipped the scale for me I was ready to get out of NM. He was kind of a rock star. He played all over LA and played alongside bands like Guns'n Roses and Motley Crew as they were coming up the LA scene. I was smitten, and he was tired of the music business already. So my Rock Star quit and we moved on to NM together after a year stop in Northern Cali and a year stop in Houston TX the latter for which brought us a beautiful daughter and me a different outlook on life. All this quick history brings us back to NM where I meant to go with this.
In NM we raised 3 girls and had a pretty good life. Phil did not care much for farm life but moving there was his idea. Remember, I wanted the city. That being said it was great for the girls and for our family, he loved his girls, played with them, laughed, joked, teased, then one day it just stopped.  That was replaced with anger, depression, and misery. It was an adjustment for us all even him.
The girls are nearly raised now, and it's time for my dreams to see light again, problem is somewhere along this road I didn't just lose my husband, I lost me. Who am I, what do I want, what are my dreams, where will they take me? Is it ok for me to want more? Recently I've begun this journey to discover what God wants for my life. So far I've felt excitment and defeat. I was afraid to tell anyone about my dream of working at Disney or about feeling like I am supposed to move to Florida. I was afraid to verbalize it for fear it would not work out and people would laugh at me. So far I've had lots of supporters, lots of people cheering me on, and a few people saying I'll never go I'll just talk about it, that hurts...it might be true... but it still hurts to think people think so little of my dreams or have so little faith in my abilities. I'm not gone yet... so maybe they are right. Maybe I don't get to go... or maybe it's not time for me to... maybe I'm doing exactly what Brad Ingram talked about at church this weekend maybe I am disqualifying myself before anyone can do it for me...
I've felt defeated by life today.... Felt like giving up on all my dreams... So apparently today it's very cloudy.... Hopefully tomorrow will be Sunny Side Up.

Waiting is the Hardest Part

Well it's almost the middle of July, in the summer of 2012, and we are still working, waiting, and praying. Every step forward feels like 2 steps back. I keep reminding myself when things fall through that God doesn't just say no, but really He says not now, or not this one, or wait I have something better... It's hard sometimes not to just get angry when you want something so badly and you know it's supposed to happen but things just keep falling through. I'm getting scared and panicky it's almost time for summer band and our life is in complete limbo. Will we be here this fall or move just in time for school?  I know when we are trying to stay on the straight path and the bridge ahead is out we have 2 choices. Turn around and go back or go to the edge of the bridge and wait for God's miracle. What I am trying to decide is... Is it ok to start working on the bridge while we wait for God to make a way. For now I wait and I pray, not only for help, but also grace and peace. Why do I feel this will work out eventually even when I fear and doubt? Well I have two choices give up on the dream like I did over 20 years ago because it just seems to difficult or out of reach or keep dreaming and working toward that dream.  I think Walt Disney would say don't give up... Wait I know he said that or something really close! 

The difference in winning & losing is most often, not quitting. ~ Walt Disney

To see this everyday at work is My Dream!

It's Independence Day..... VERY early Independence Day...

It's 2:30 am on Wednesday, July 4th and I can not sleep. I can't stop thinking about everything. I was supposed to be gone by now, spending July 4th watching fireworks from Downtown Disney & helping Val get a party set up of for her daughter. Yet here it is Independence Day and I still have not struck out on my journey to Florida, I'm no closer to my dreams of Florida and Disney than I was months ago. I'm still living in Texas still working at Llano, and still dreaming about "Some Day". Although I hate not moving forward, I have tried to come to a place of peace concerning our current setbacks. I'm trying to enjoy and appreciate every minute with the friends and family we will be leaving behind and not worry too much about exactly when or where we will go.

I spent the day upset that I am not settled in Florida yet and the evening with 2 of my dearest friends and their husbands, one of whom leaves on his next deployment as soon as all our July 4th festivities end.  I am so glad I had tonight with them I guess it's true God does work in His timing and although Clayton is not where I thought my Independence Day 2012 was supposed to be I'm certainly glad it's where I found myself this year.

I hope everyone has a Wonderful, Safe, and Happy Independence Day. Find a Veteran, Find a Soldier, Find a Marine, an Airman, a Seaman, a Guardsman, and Thank them. Tell the Military families in your life you love them. Stand by them with love and support. Wherever you are whether it's where you planned to be or not let the people in your life know that you love them we are not guaranteed tomorrow so don't miss the opportunity to say I Love You.

*Required Education - Bachelor’s degree

College is a racket these days and EVERYONE is involved. You don't qualify for anything without a Bachelor's Degree, yet most don't care if it's in their field of industry. Nearly 100% of the jobs I've looked at that require that BA or BS don't care what it's in. SO really all they care about is that you have properly wasted at least 4 years of your life at frat parties while attending minimal classes and borrowing anywhere 25-50+ Grand from Uncle Sam to do it. I could get a Bachelors in Astrology, yes I did find a school that has that major, and then magically qualify for 25 different jobs none of which have anything to do with anything I studied. Now don't get me wrong college is important for many people and some jobs should require it, but not everyone has the patience or the money for 4+ years of university studies. It's just so frustrating. A secretary job that requires a Bachelors Degree? I've done this job plus office manager for several places. I've creatively used the creative, problem solving skills I learned raising children for the last 20 years to solve more problems in my office jobs than most of the college grads I have worked with. I have a friend who has a PHD in computer science but he needs help to check his email. How exactly does my lack of an exorbitant student loan  make me not qualified to answer your phone, type your letters, and make coffee? Yes I know there is a lot more to it than that. Did I mention I have done that in several businesses in the last 20 years? It's almost as irritating as the reactions I get about my job experience being in the Funeral Industry... but that is a whole other blog post.